Not an Option
by September Samstar
Summary: She did everything for him. He was her brother after all. He kept messing up, and would come to her for help. She would help pick up the pieces, but he would forget what she did for him and do it again. But one day she has enough and sends him away. And that one day causes two tragedies. Now we realize what isn't an option. Belgium and Netherlands as brother sister. No paring.


It wasn't right to let him go. But my pride blinded me to the compassion he needed. And I slammed the door behind him.

And he died because of me.

I didn't know that night that it would be our last with him. If I did, I wouldn't have let him make the choice. I would have never given him the ultimatum. But I did, and now he's gone.

"Drugs or Family Lars. Pick." My mocking voice, my stupid arrogance. And the price I pay.

The burning lights, my screaming mom. She can't look at me the same. He was her child, her son. I was an accident, illegitimate, someone she'd rather forget. She blames me for his death.

She has every right to. I was the one that made her son leave, get on a high, and crash his car.

I've screwed up. And there is no way I can fix this. I was always there for Lars, always trying to pull together the pieces for him. He'd say thank you. He'd say he'd do better. But then he'd still turn to the drugs, still trying to get the high. Still making me clean up for the low. Still thanking me in the end, just to continue the cycle.

What scares me is the relief I feel. I don't have to worry about him anymore. He's gone, safe and sound. These feelings, they just aren't right. But their true. I can resume pursuing the Spanish man of my dreams without the fear of him coming between us. I can hang out with friends without the fear of them looking down on me for my brother. I can go to work and be a better worker because I won't have to come late or leave early because of him.

I hate myself so much right now. Somehow I'm caught between the hope that this won't last forever, and the knowledge that it will.

Self help books are past me. Any and all psychologists can't repair the burden inside. The truth is, I don't deserve to live.

* * *

_Teenager Takes Life, Prompting a Community Response_

_After the death of her brother, Lars Xander, Bella Xander took her own life on August 18th, 2012. Her 19th birthday was going to be the following week. She was a budding author and had a lot of potential. _

"_She blamed herself for her brother's death," her friend Elizabeth Hevedary said through tears. "She just wasn't the same afterwards."_

_Antonio Carridero was her heartbroken crush. "She was everything to me. I was going to ask her out, and I got shy. How stupid could I be? She needed to be loved, and I could have given it to her and I didn't. She deserved better than me."_

_She went to Ghent College, and last night the school held a midnight gathering, in a grove of trees on the campus. Every person their lit a candle in her memory, and in memory of those who commit suicide. _

"_She was really quiet, and I didn't know her all that well," said Matthew Williams, "but no one should take their own life. I know she had things to live for. I guess what she didn't became her focus though."_

_Matthew Williams and his twin brother Alfred knows what it means to struggle with depression. _

"_It's in our family, and we've been around friends that have it. Growing up one of our friends cut herself and we have to do an intervention. I wish people would know that suicide isn't an option."_

_Alfred has started an organization called "Be a Hero" to encourage and teach people how to reach out to those they care about with depression, and Matthew is training to be a counselor at schools to help out with this disease. _

_Bella's suicide has impacted the community in a shocking and profound way. Many people were confused as for why she would want to do this to herself._

"_Ve~she was such a pretty girl, she had so much she had to live for. I don't understand why she would do this," said Feliciano Vargas._

* * *

**A/N: Feeling kinda down right now, so I decided to right this. This is not from personal experience, just felt like writing a sad fic.**_  
_

**If you struggle with depression. or even if you feel down occasionally. SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER. NEITHER IS CUTTING, STARVING, PURGING, BURNING, OR ANY OTHER FORMS OF SELF-HARM!**

**It never is.**


End file.
